The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
