I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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