I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
