"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
