Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
