I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
