i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
