My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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