so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
