I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
