Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
