I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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