Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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