Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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