I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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