Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
