You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
