On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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