i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
