Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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