And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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