Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I did not marry a roomba.
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