No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
