I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
