she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
