drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
