Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
