I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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