I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
