So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
