i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
