I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
