Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
should my penis look like a turkey
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
