Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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