There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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