Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
