dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
