from now on my penis is your penis
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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