And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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