I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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