He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
