just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
