before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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