i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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