Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
