I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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