I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
