My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
