the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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