we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
