nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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